my father’s son

I question myself a lot at times.  No.  I questioned myself a lot at times.  Now, looking back, I think to myself how exactly it is that I found myself in this current state of simply being.

            Some people find themselves in circumstances of their liking, and they stay put.  Others seem not to enjoy themselves entirely enough yet they remain where they are.  They become a part of the scenery, or fall into the background, growing content in their surroundings.  Then there are others like those that do not enjoy themselves at all and they search for a change until they find a background to fall into that is to their liking.  They choose to run.

            Of course there are many more than just these here.  The range of the human soul is a broad spectrum of colors that we cannot see with our eyes, or touch with our hands.  It is a scope that many a time is even often beyond our belief.  A scope beyond the words I put before you.  A scope to which there are perhaps no words for. 

Whatever may be the case, I do think to myself where is my soul?  Is it here with me now?  Did I leave it somewhere I’ve long been gone from?  Maybe I have not even had a soul yet, and it is to be found someplace else in time.  That maybe it is out there floating amiss, just as I am, waiting upon that moment where the two of us meet, coming together at last.

So, maybe perhaps I still am questioning myself.  That I am not simply being.  That I still am acting.  That my thoughts, that this state of overwhelming internal reflection still serves as a hindrance of finding that place where I can simply, be.  I must ask myself yet another question then:  which of those people am I?  Which do I choose to do with myself?

I choose to run.

This is no good.  My words are no good.  They lack coherence.  I shall stop and try again at another moment in time.

—

            There are two boys standing above me to the right.  They look a blur from where I am but there is no doubt in my mind that they are brothers.  Where is it that I am anyway?  I feel wet.  I am wet.  And numb.

            “Now boys, go on and get outta here.  He seems to be coming to.”  It was a woman’s voice that spoke.

            “Hannah, you sure you’re gonna be alright? I don’t like the look of him there.”

            “Brooks, you get on outta here too.  Go tend to the customers downstairs.”  There was a man, the one called Brooks she was speaking to. He left taking her order and following the boys out.

“Everything’ll be just fine mind you.”  She was speaking to me.  “You had a bit of a fall.  It was my boys that found you.  Doesn’t make much sense to me here why you were out riding in that storm anyhow.  It was lucky that they brought you in.  That’s going to be quite a bump on your head.  They said you were being dragged by the reins of your horse.  Troubled horse you must have there going all wild on you like that.”  Now I wasn’t sure if it was me she was speaking to, or just herself clearing her mind of how I came to be here.  Sitting, mind a blur, in a tub, numb.  I tried to stand.

“Now don’t you dare think you’re leaving this place here just yet.  Everything’ll be just fine mind you.  Just sit right back.  Ole Hannah’ll take care of you.”  She came at me with a towel.  I decide it was best to let her have at it her way.  She began to rub my arms and I could feel the blood returning to them.  Everything was still a blur.  I decided not to fight it and closed my eyes.  “That’s good there.  Rest up and take her easy.  You’ll be good soon.  Just take her easy.”

“Who are you?  Where am I?  How did I get here?”

“I’m Hannah, I’m taking care of you.  You’re in Hanson.  My boys found you.  Just rest your head and no more questions.  It’ll all come to soon enough.”

“But, how did I—.” 

“Now honey, no more questions.  Just rest your eyes and it’ll all come to.”  She

was firm but sweet in her way.  I was a stranger and it finally registered what that man meant when he said he didn’t like the looks of me.

            It was all coming to as I realized my hair was unkempt, along with my beard.  My clothes were caked with mud no doubt when they had found me.  I’d been traveling for a few days now, I can’t remember how many exactly.  But I had just left home, not knowing where I was heading.

            It finally started to seem as if I could see straight.  The little light that was in the room was from candles off in the distance and behind this woman, Hannah, who was looking after my aching body.  Her hair was back but as a few strands fell in her eyes I could see the sweat in them.  She had been working too hard on me.  A stranger investing too much time.

            “Why do you do this?”

            “You took a hard fall.  But it looks as if the strength has returned to your eyes.  That’s all I wanted to see.  Make sure you were all right to stay about here or move on to wherever it is you were heading before you were brought here.  That’s up to you son.  I suggest you stay a night or two.  Rest up and make sure it is back, your strength I mean, before you charge on out of here on that wild horse of yours.  At least wait in time for your clothes to dry.  I’ve just hung them up.”

            “Thank you ma’am, but still, how’d I get here?  Why you helping me so?”

            “I guess you’re right enough to remember what it is I say so I might as well.  Here, take a sip of this first.  It’ll warm you and I’ll get started.”  She handed me some whiskey.  It warmed me.

            “My boys were out riding tonight looking to do some hunting.  You cannot separate those boys if you tried pulling them apart with rope and horses I’m telling you it wouldn’t work.  Anyway, it started to rain.  It came down heavily and they said the creek has turned into a full flowing river by now.  Just about the time they dragged you in it started to stop.  They weren’t too far from here, at about the bend in the stream about three miles out.  They said they saw you taking a rest under that big oak tree.”

            “That’s right.  I remember now.  I stopped cause of the rain and to feed Flint, that wild horse of mine.”

            “Well, that’s what they said, that they saw you there.  Lightning must’ve struck right then and there and your horse must’ve jumped.  They said you grabbed for em and he threw you to the ground.  One of your legs got caught up in the reins and he flipped you and your head hit the ground.  Think it knocked you out.”

            “It had to’ve.  All I remember is waking up here.”

            “Well that’s right.  My boys ran after your horse and eventually caught up.  Said they chased you a good mile down the river.  Lucky for you it was at a shallow crossing and they calmed that horse down, tied you up to em and brought you on in.  And that is how you wound up here in Hanson.”

            “Well thank your boys for me, I must say I appreciate everything you’ve done.”

            “You can go and say it to them yourself.  You look a whole lot better than you did when they brought you in but I’m not letting you outta my sight just yet.  You’re staying for dinner.”

            “Now I don’t mean to impose any longer than I already have ma’am.  I must be leaving.”

            “Don’t you argue with me.  ‘Sides you haven’t a thing to wear and nothing to carry on your back out of here but that horse of yours.  By the looks of it I don’t think you should be carrying much when you do decide to leave.”  She glanced at my side.  The aching was a bruise the length of my back from just below my shoulder blade to right above the hip.  It was a light color now, but I could already see the purple in it.  I was staying for the night most definitely.

            “Well thank you ma’am.  You think I could trouble you for some clothes?  Dinner sounds mighty good about now too.  I swear to you I’ll work it all off.”

            “Now don’t you worry about that son.  Here dry yourself off with this and I’ll be back with some clothes.  You look about my son’s build.  Eli that is.  He’s the one who finally caught up with your horse.  He’s the older one.  Tyler is the other.  The boys’ll have a lot to tell you at dinner.  I’ll do my best to make sure they don’t bother your head.  You still need your rest.”

            “Thank you.”  I smiled politely.  How had I come to find such kindness in my travels so early in them?  Maybe I should settle here for a bit.  Longer than just ‘til the bruise healed up.  My head was sore, but it seemed set upon staying.  I rose from the tub from which I had been in for how many hours I don’t know.  My skin had grown wrinkly, the water close to cold.  I didn’t notice that Hannah, that’s what she called herself, had come back into the room.

            “Yes, you do have the build of my son.”

            “Sorry ma’am, I didn’t know you were back yet.”  I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as I reached the towel round my waist.

            “No use in sorry there.  I’ve got a grown man of my own and two well on their ways.  You just put these clothes on here and be down for dinner whenever you’re ready.

I bid her thanks again as she left the room and dressed myself in the clothes she had brought up.  They did fit well.  Everything about this place that I knew nothing of seemed to.  All but that Brooks.  Her husband I was assuming.  Then again he had every reason to lack the trust of a man with uncombed hair, dirty old beard and muddied clothing.  I was a stranger in his home and I was lucky to have received what I had already gotten.  I need not ask for more.

Dinner was surprisingly quiet.  She must’ve warned the boys to keep their story to themselves.  All I got were a few warm looks from them and a few nods in approval to the countless thank yous I gave them.  The questions would wait ‘til morning.

—

            The light poured in through the curtains.  “Breakfast’s on the table.  Come down when you’re ready.  I’m taking it should be soon lest you like your food cold.”  It was Eli and he was the cause of the light shining into my eyes.  In the split second that I caught his, wincing in the sun, he looked a lot like Tyler, but nothing at all like Brooks.  Had somewhat of chilly air about him though.  He was short, to the point.  His mother was the same, but there was care in her voice I didn’t find in his.

            “Thank you.  I’ll be down right shortly.”  I took in the warmth of the sun as I dressed that morning.  This day was not like the one I barely remembered.  There’d be no rain today.

            I moved my hand through my hair, still didn’t seem clean after all that scrubbing Hannah had put me through.  My finger caught in the tangles and then in something I hadn’t felt before.  There was a bandage across the right side of my forehead.  Must’ve been where I’d landed when Flint turned me over.  That’s my steed for me.

            I walked out the door and down the hall and it finally occurred to me the home in which I was staying was more of a tavern than anything else.  Not one with much business though.  I don’t even know if tavern is the right word for it.  It seemed too small.  Anyway, I came into the room where everyone was gathered round the table, already engaged in their meals.  There were eggs, bacon, ham, rolls, and hot cakes.  Hannah stood up immediately and before I could let her know I could help myself was pouring honey all over a plate.

            “Here now.  I’m gonna give you a bit of everything and you’re gonna eat it.  Grown men need their strength and we’ve to have you back and good before you decide to get up and leave us as fast as you’ve come.”  That woman liked to talk, and I liked to listen.  It was warm and humble.  Nothing familiar to me.

            “Thank you ma’am.  Thank you much.  For everything.” 

“Did you sleep alright?”  It was Tyler; first time I heard his voice.  It was a male version of his mothers.

“I slept great last night.  Had to be this here bump.  No thoughts allowed with a hit like that to the head.”

“That sure was a wicked fall you took sir.”

“What did I tell you boys about using words like that?”  It was Brooks.  I smiled.  It was the first thing he had said even if it was only the second line I’d ever heard him speak that seemed to lack suspicion.  Still somewhat aggressive though.

“I mean not to interrupt, but there’s no use in calling me sir there.”

“Well what’s your name then son?”  We’ve known you hours now and we don’t know your name.”

“My apologies.  Walker.  Grant Walker.”  I can’t believe I told them my last name first.

“Hello Mr. Walker.”  It was Tyler again.

“Oh, please, anything but Mr. Walker.  They call my father Mr. Walker.  Can’t say I’m too keen on that idea of myself.”

“OK Mister Grant.”  It was then I knew I liked Tyler from the start.

“Well, Grant,” chimed in Brooks, “I’m Edward Brooks, everyone calls me Brooks, and this here is Brooks’ Tavern.  That’s my son Tyler, you’ve met my wife Hannah and her boy Eli.  We here in Hanson grow weary of passersby and well I think it’s time we make query on to exactly what brings you to our town.”

“Now Edward really.  That is no way to speak to our guest.  Don’t mind him Grant.  You’d think an innkeeper be a bit kinder to strangers and passersby.”  She shook her head in disbelief.

“No, he’s right Mrs. Brooks.  All us travelers got a story to tell.  I should be telling you mine soon enough. I owe you that much.”

“I think you owe us more.  Eli there saved your life last night.  What appreciation have you shown to him?”

“No one owes me anything.”  Eli spoke for the first time since he had woken me.  The statement he made if taken in the right tone was one of kindness and generosity.  I did not take it in that tone.

By this time everyone had finished eating.  I decided I’d tell them a little if anything.  “I’m running,” I announced as I cleared my dishes and carried them out of the room.  I don’t know how I found the kitchen, I knew not where I was going, but I’d made it out of the first round of questioning with relative ease.

—

            What am I to tell these people here?  Do I hold back, or do I step forward?  My confusion is growing.  How can I speak the truth to them if I know it not for myself?  Should I trust them and gain their trust in return?  Or do I risk trusting them and theirs never being found in me?  Perhaps I should hold back still.  Speak in vague undertones never revealing too much.  What has cast me into this lot of folk that seem all too kind and all too bitter all at once?  Who are these cast of characters?  Can they help me?  Do I need their help in this?  I know not what has brought me here.  When will this seemingly endless circle of thought end?

Am I to keep running?

—

            It had been decided by Hannah, this no-mother-of-mine, that I needed a proper haircut and shave.  It had also been decided previously to that decision, although my guess is not too soon before, that I’d be staying in Hanson for longer than I had originally expected.  I had no place to go, felt as if I needed the rest, and so I decided I’d let myself take full advantage of the situation and make use of such hospitality while I could.  I did tell her however that I had not the money to pay for even these slightest of hygienical operations and she was more than obliging to take care of it.

            I felt Brooks was growing annoyed with my stay. Tyler on the other seemed to be in agreement with me that there was some sort of unspoken bond between us.  I feel somewhat embarrassed to say I think it is because we have the same hair.  Both of us choose to part it down the middle and have it hang past our ears, falling in front just to barely impede in our line of sight.  ‘Cept his is blonde and mines dark brown.  It’s funny to me because he seems he’d be beyond that age where younger people are drawn to their elders for such simple reasons.  I thought I was.

            Eli.  Eli is another story altogether.  Brooks on one hand seemed untrusting, fearing in me what he didn’t know, as much people do about any stranger.  But Eli was altogether cold and no matter what the use, he kept his distance.  I believe it was because his mother and brother were so taken back by me he felt sort of out of place.  As if a substitute, a more qualified one at that for whatever reasons he had in his mind, had come along.  I honestly think that’s why they took to liking me so soon as they did.  I think I was like Eli, and that was the attraction for them.  He did have that quiet air about him people always seemed to find depressing about myself.  We were the same age too.

            Anyway, this haircut.  Brooks had told me earlier that they lived in this town called Hanson.  They lived outside of town actually.  It provided a good long moment for him to get some information on me.

            “So tell me Grant, you’ve been enjoying your stay here so far in our place?”

            “Yessir, I do appreciate everything you and Mrs. Brooks have done for me here.  Albeit the circumstances that brought me to you, it’s been very much so.”

            “Well that’s good there son.  But what exactly are the circumstances that brought you to us?”

            “I meant with my horse, Flint.  Usually takes a pretty big stir to get a rise outta him.  That lightning sure must’ve done the trick right.”  This was not the answer he was looking for.

            “That is a fine looking horse you got there, but I think I’m wanting to go further back in your tale.  Why were you out here, so far from somewhere?  What brought on you finding Hanson like you did?”  Yeah.  I was right.  He wanted more.  They always want more.  The takers.  They only give to take in return.

            I could see we were close to town, whatever made up the town anyhow.  The bright red and blue stripes of the barbershop were clear.  “I think that part of the story is going to take a bit longer than you imagine.  I feel as if shouldn’t get started with us so close to our destination.”  I nodded my head towards the shop.

            “Then maybe we should just stop here.  I’ve had almost enough of you taking advantage of my wife the way you are.  Thinking you can just come into our lives and eat us—“

            “Now sir, just wait right there.  I mean no disrespect by you in any means.  I’d be glad to get a move on right quick as I can.  But I have not been taking any advantage of your wife.  What I have taken from you all has more than willingly been laid before me and I have not asked to be treated in such kindness.  I am lucky to have found it along my way, but by no means do I mean to take advantage.”  This set him back for a moment.  There was a fire in my tone he had not seen before.  But the moment passed and the fire was his.

            “Now you young man wait right there.  I know the will of my wife.  She’s done right by me, borne me a good son in Tyler.  I know what she is and how she means.  She is after-all my peace in the world.”  He paused.  “I do apologize if I made it sound as if I am accusing you of imposing upon us, and well yes, I did make it seem so, but I am just trying to figure out why in the hell you have been put in such a position where a boy of your ways has come out this far.  If that is asking too much of you, well I don’t know why.”

            “The time had to have come up sooner or later.  You need not apologize.” Again I found myself in a position of not wanting to reveal too much to him.  “Sir I was on my way from my home.  What you could call my home anyhow.  I was running from it.  From my parents.”

            “Now why would you want to go a do a thing like that?”

            “Well, sir.  You said your wife was your peace in the world.  My parents went and took mine from me.”

—

            Tyler and Eli were down by the river having a swim on what had to have been the warmest day since I’d been in Hanson.  After the long walk back from the barber, a long quiet walk as this time Brooks kept his questions from me, I decided I could use a washing too.  The sweat was dripping off the end of my nose and one fell onto the dry cracked leather of my boots and for a moment caused it to shine before the sun made it disappear.  I slipped off my socks and let the air hit my toes, stretching them out as far as they’d go.  It had to have been the spot where the lightning struck and the boys had first found me.  There was this oak tree on the other side of the water that looked vaguely familiar.

            “Well, it’s Mister Grant, and he’s gone and got himself a haircut.  Boy, you look a whole lot younger without that beard.”

            “A whole lot cleaner,” Eli whispered to himself.  Tyler had heard it though and hit his older brother in the chest.  I was approaching the both of them and could make out what they were saying.  Didn’t much seem like they were trying to hide it.

            “Now why you hafta be so stubborn like that?  Grant here’s a good guy.”  Eli didn’t enjoy being admonished by his younger brother and picked him up and heaved him into the river.

            “You keep your mouth shut,” he told him as Tyler rose out from beneath the surface.  “Well, what do you want from us now?”  At last, some attention from the distant one.

            “I just figured I’d take a swim.  Heard you boys were down here the same and I could use it in this heat.”

            “Well we were just getting ready to leave.”

            “No we weren’t.  Eli we just got here.”

            “Well that’s all right then I guess.  I think I’ll stay and jump in either way.”

            “Eli you want to leave, you go right ahead.  Just tell momma I’ll be home with Mister Grant in a bit.”

            “Bye,” is all he said to the both of us.  Tyler and I just swam around for a bit, diving every now and again seeing if we could hit the bottom.  The rain had surely added a few feet to the depth.  Tyler decided he wanted to see who could hold their breaths the longest.  I went first and my lungs still aren’t right from my fall and I barely lasted.  He swore he could do better and I didn’t doubt it.

            What that boy did put a hell of a scare into me though.  He must’ve been gone for a good minute and I started to worry.  I had never known anyone to do such a thing.  I dove again and again looking for him, seeing if he had been caught under in some horrible accident I could never explain to his family.  They’d never forgive me I knew it and find no justification whatsoever in my words no matter how hard I’d try.  I was worried I sure was.

            Then out of the blue, standing on the banks not far from my clothes, Tyler was standing waving in the air letting me know his trick.  “You very nearly killed me just now you know?”

            “Awwww come on now.  I was just foolin’.”

            “Life, Tyler, is nothing something to fool about.”

            “Don’t be mad, I’m sorry.”

            “That’s all right now.  Just you really put a scare into me.  Hey, this is where you and your brother found me isn’t it?”

            “Yeah this here’s it.  Just uh, Eli, he’s not my brother.  He’s my half.  By momma.”  I don’t honestly know why Tyler told me such things.  My mind was nowhere near caring to uncover the details of this family.  I had given it no thought whatsoever.

            “Well OK.  Um, you think we could walk about here for a bit.  I was carrying some things with me.  Small things.  I must’ve lost em in the chase you all put in getting me after my fall.  I wanna see if I can find any of it.”

            “That’s fine by me.”

            “It’s just an old sack really.  Brown leather.  Had some books with plain paper, some with writing on it, in em.”

            “What do you need that sort of thing for?”

            Tyler I haven’t really told you and your family much about me since I been here.  Well, all I can say is at times, trying to get my thoughts straight, I try to take pen to paper and sort things out.  It helps me ease my mind.”  Tyler was sharp, but what he said next surprised me.

            “Now what’s a guy your age have to sort out?  Life’s simple.  You seem happy.  What in the world could need straightening?”

            “You’d be surprised.”  By this time we had been looking for a short time but I was growing tired of it.  Just more confusion to me it seemed.

            “Hey look, there’s something over there.”  Caught beneath a short mound of blown dirt was my bag.  There was nothing in there that really made sense.  None of the words put on paper.  But we had found it and I was glad to have done such.

            “I guess we can turn home now.  Thank you Tyler.  I think when we get back, I’ve got to sit down and do some more sorting.  If it’s allowed I’d like to talk with you and your mother.  Your father and Eli are welcome too, but I understand if they, well Eli at least, choose not to hear me out.  I feel as if I owe some explanation.”

            “You owe me nothing Mister Grant.  But that sounds fine by me.”  We walked back in silence appreciating the cooling that came with the setting sun.

—

I’ve made up my mind.  I know not exactly what it holds, but I will try however to make something of it.  These people here have given me home for longer than is expected of anyone anywhere I have ever known.  They have entrusted in me and so I must in them.  Even without that I feel as if I must.  There must be some peace made in my mind.  With something.  Maybe here is it.  I have to try.

            Stop running for once again.

—

            “Simply put, I wanted a life of my own.”  That’s how it started.  That’s how they came to know my story.  “I’ve had my schooling, but most come out of that time in their life and they know where they fit into the world.  I didn’t.  I always thought I’d find greatness somewhere along the lines and one day I’d go looking for it if I had to.  My parents had other thoughts.

            “My father was a ranking officer in the Navy for a time. He’s long retired from it but he still kept his old ties.  Ended up pulling some strings at some academy for me.  Got me enrolled and everything.  Him and my mom were looking forward to it.

            “Classes started up.  I went there with the notion that it wasn’t for me.  And I guess if you go in with that attitude you’re bound to fail.  And I did.  Actually wasn’t around long enough to fail out.  After a short time I started to see the kind of learning they wanted to instill in me and all else who were there.

            “I didn’t know where I fit into this world of ours.  But I consider myself a peaceful creature, with peaceful intentions and peaceful means.  I hate to argue, and the thought of raising my hand at my fellow man sickens me.  What they teach you there is how to lead men to fight.  To prepare them to handle it.  Engage in it.  Live after it.

“I see that in my father and it sickens me to see it in me.  I could not become like him.  One day I dreamt that I’d have a family of my own and the ways in which he deals with my mother and myself at times why it seems like he’s still fighting.  I don’t want to fight.  I never did.  I never will.  I guess that brings my mother into the picture.

“I’m an only child.  My mother’s baby.  Always and forever will be.  In her eyes there’s nothing good enough for me, and that’s how she accepted me leaving the academy.  It’s fine if I couldn’t fit in there to her, ‘cause she’d make everything all right in my world.  Nothing ever, anywhere, could live up to what I deserve in her eyes.  It’s a burden she puts out there like no other I’ve ever felt.  It’s this will of hers and it drives me mad.

“All I guess I’m saying is always and forever is too long a time in my eyes.  With that hanging over it anyway.  I was tired of being my mother’s child.  I was tired of being my father’s son.  So I left them.  There was no more reason to stay.”

That’s all I could tell them for now.  I noticed Eli getting up and walking out of the room.  Brooks finally understood what I meant by my statement of running and seemed satisfied with it.  Hannah and Tyler were as warm as ever.  I wanted to get up and follow Eli out.  The rest of the family seemed to accept me.  I don’t know why he didn’t and for some reason I was drawn to him for it.  So I got up and went after him.

There were tears in his eyes when I found him standing in the dark.  This was not the right time for it.  It was cold out.  Eli thought otherwise.

“Well what do you want from me?  You’ve got them in there don’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?  Hell, I’ll leave you alone if you want.”

“That’s just like you, giving everyone what they want.  It makes me sick people like you.   Given everything in the world and it still ain’t enough.  Can’t fit into your own life where people bend over backward for your own sake so you get up and leave it all.”

“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this from you but whatever it’s been I apologize.”

“I don’t need your apology.  I’ll tell you my story if that’s what you came here for.  That’s my momma in there and that’s my baby brother.  It does me no wrong to have to go and say he’s my half.  But that’s how everyone’s got to make known.  Brooks.  He ain’t my father.  I never knew my father.  Not like you running from yours.  When he met my momma she had long been carrying me inside of her.  He said he loved her and he might have.  But he did not love me and he never has.  Not before they was married and not since.  He has no need.  So, there’s my story.  I’m a bastard child or halfway there.”

I didn’t know what to say.  Eli had more.  “And then there’s you now.  A family full of love willing to do whatever it took for your sake.  And you find a way to go and send it all to hell cause you can’t find a happiness inside of all of that.  So you come here and take from mine.  What little of it that I have.  People like you are so goddamn lucky.  But you’re so damn blind.”

—

            It was two days before Eli let me approach him next.  At least he had opened up to me and the distance between us was shortening.  I hadn’t meant to take anything from what he had here in his own world, but I had.  That was wrong of me and it needed fixing.  I also felt I had more explaining to do.

            “I’m sorry Eli.  I am.  You don’t have to accept an apology and all but I’d like it if you were to hear me on out.  Let me speak my piece and then you can judge me all you want, but please, let me speak it first.”  He didn’t protest, just sat there, and so I went and sat across from him.

            “There’s more to it than what I spoke of the other night.  Her name is Maura.  She is the only reason I stayed as long as I did with them.  My home was not a home to me Eli.  And what you saw as love I felt was a burden.  That in my eyes is not love.  Not that kind of burden that was placed upon me.  Me and Maura too.

            “She did not think I was cut out to be a military man, but at the sake of making my parents happy she told me to do it.  Said she couldn’t wait to see me in a uniform.  And so I tried.  I admit maybe not as hard I could’ve.  But I did try.  For her.  Every day I tried so some day I could make her happy so she could see me in that uniform.  Do her proud.

            “Well I fell short of that.  But you know what.  Maura took me in her arms anyway the day I came back.  Said I had done her proud regardless.

“My mother on the other hand.  She put Maura down for it.  No woman ever before her had put up with as much criticism than Maura did from my mother.  I told you nothing in this world was good enough to me in her eyes.  That might sound like love, but it wasn’t.  It was a cage.  Sheltering me from experiencing all those things I wanted to in life.

“There were times the criticisms grew to the point of making Maura near hysterical.  I tried to calm her down, let her know how much she was to me, and that is what mattered.  I promised her we’d run together.  But she felt as if my family didn’t accept her then she had to have been falling short of what I deserved in this world.  Mother’s can be a curse too you know.  And mine was.

“Maura left after one of those times.  As she rode home in her frenzy she took a fall.  It killed her.  My mother killed her.  The very object that was the one true thing I had ever known.  Tell me how that’s love.

“I spent my whole life thinking there had to be something out there from my dreams.  And I found it in her.  It was something real, that I could touch, not just from my nights as a child.  And then I found that it was not to be mine at all.

“You can judge me all you want from running from my family.  But I ask you not to judge what that family was to me cause only I could truly know that.  I run from them cause they are my past.  And I hate my past.  Maura was my future and that was all I have ever loved.” 

Eli apologized for having judged me.  He was sincere and convinced of my story.  I was just starting to learn about his.

“I didn’t mean to take a thing away from you by staying here as I have.  But by the way you make it sound it doesn’t seem that means much to you anyhow.  Brooks, he’s an old man, if he’s not your father why’s it matter to you what he thinks of you anyway?”  It was the first time I stopped, allowing him some sort of response.

“You said yourself you didn’t want to be your father’s son.  Well Grant, I’ve never known what it is to be a father’s son.”

“I don’t agree with you on that.  He might seem cold.  But I look at you, and you might not be his blood, but there is no doubt in my eyes that you are his son.  You talk the same.  You open up as he does as I am finding out right now.

Family does not take blood Eli.  I know that.  I learned it myself.  You can believe me or not, that much is up to you.  But you are his son.  He raised you as his own.  He might not have been good at it.  He might not have shown you the affection he does Tyler.  But he is your father.”

I don’t think Eli wanted to accept this.  Maybe it would take time for it to settle.  But he did smile for once in the time I’ve known him.  From that moment on there was no longer any distance between us.

—

            The story of Maura had gotten back to Brooks.  I’m assuming Eli had told Tyler and Hannah.  He was somewhat taken by it and approached me.  I think he saw me as a man in some reason for I had known what it was to love.

            “You were going to marry this girl?”

            “Yessir I was.  There was no doubt about it.  We were going to leave that place behind and start our lives up all over together.  She needed to leave as badly as I did.  There must’ve always been this part inside of me that wanted to run away and for once I found someone to do it with.  We were at home with ourselves, just had to find a place to make it.”

            “That sounds wonderful.  I am sorry to say that it did not work out as you two had planned.  There are things that are not meant to be.  As tragic as it sounds.”

            “This was meant to be sir.  There is no doubt in my mind.  I’ve lost her but I am not alone.  I know she sees me.  It is the only thing that keeps me going.  The only purpose I know I have still.”

            “But you’re young.  You’ve so much life ahead of you.  Marriage can happen for you again.”

            “Marriage?  No sir.  I want love.  And I had it.  I still do.  I don’t need marriage to happen.  Can I ask you something personal?”

            “By all means.”

            “You married Hannah, Mrs. Brooks, cause you loved her?”

            “Of course.  Why do you ask such a thing?”

            “Well sir, I’d like to think we are a sum of our parts.  Everything that happens in our past is just the making of who we are today and will be tomorrow.  Do you follow me in that?”

            “I do, and I agree completely.”

            “Then why sir, why is it so hard for you to accept Eli as your own?”

            “It’s simple.  Eli is not my son.”

            “That’s fine and good sir.  But you knew of the pregnancy.  You fell in love with her.  You married her.  You’ve been with her all these years.  Been with him too.  He may not have been of your seed sir.  But it is you that has been there for him to blossom into whatever it is he has become and will.  Forgive me if I am out of place here.  It’s just I see your affection for Tyler, and I do not see it for Eli.  He is as much a part of Hannah as there could ever be a part.  You love that don’t you?”

            "I’m sorry son but I’m going to have to end this.”  Brooks got up and walked out of the room.  I sat alone in silence but for a moment.

            “I said you didn’t owe me anything.”  It was Eli.

            “Excuse me?”

            “I overheard what you were talking about.  Grant, I appreciate your intentions, but I don’t need any favors.  Not of that kind.  You said you don’t like fighting.  So please, don’t pick one here.”

            “If that’s how you want it.”  He was right.  As much as I wanted the two of them to see they were closer than they thought, it was not my place.

            “I do have a favor to ask of you though.  One that’s more important.”

            “Well, ask, and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

            “I never got much schooling out here.  Tyler, he’s smart as a whip.  But not me.  You said you went to school, and Tyler told me you like to write.  You think you could show me to write.  I’m not completely lost on words, just need help putting em down.”

            “I’ve never taught anyone a thing before.  I don’t know if I’m qualified to do as such.  But I will try.”

            “Thank you.  Um, Grant?”

            “Yeah Eli?”

            “It seems me and you is becoming friends now, right?”

            “It would appear to be that we are, yes.”

            “Well, I hope you can forgive me for judging you like I did.  I don’t mean to be so cold as I was.  Just the way I am.”

            “It’s alright by me.  You had every right to act as you did.  Rest assured, I’ve no hard feelings towards you.”

            “Thank you.”

—

            When Eli had asked the favor of me I thought he had meant he needed help learning to read.  This was nowhere near the case.  He just needed to learn to make his mark.  To write legibly.  His script was extremely well written and it was the more elegant cursive form he had wished to learn.  He took to it quickly and he was ecstatic that I had helped him reach that goal.  It took nothing of me really.

            “Eli you’ve done it on your own.  In all honestly you just had to be shown the way.  I didn’t really teach you much here.”

            “Yes, but I asked a favor and you delivered on it.  So I at least owe my thanks for you showing me, as you put it.”

            “You done shown him well.”  It was Hannah speaking.  That woman was always popping up out of nowhere.  “You’ve been a godsend on us you know.  He might not like to admit, but Brooks himself has warmed up a little.”  She turned to Eli.  “You always knew he cared, he didn’t show it at all I know.  But he did.”

            “Anything you say momma.”  Eli still hadn’t completely accepted it yet.

            “Well I do say.  You agree with me don’t you Grant?”

            “Of course ma’am.  A man can’t go on forever thinking the things in ones past have no bearing on him now.  Shaping him forever.  Like you did on your mother.  Part of what he married was you Eli.  It had to be.”

            “Just like part of what Maura loved about you was your parents and your past with them.”

            “Well damn it Eli.  I hate being wrong, but at least I can admit it when I am.  And it seems that this is an instance of such occurrence.”  Sure my parents shaped me too, just like any aspect in ones life.  As much as I didn’t like to think I had them in me, I did.  “Still, doesn’t mean I have to like it.”  I tried gaining some justification of myself.

            “I don’t know Grant.  You want a reason so bad to run away, why not just get up and go?”  Eli did just that at the moment.  Leaving the room anyway.  It made me mad.

            I followed him out and when I caught up with him reached for his arm.  “You saying something to me I ask you say it.”

            “I’m sorry I judged you Grant, I am.  But when it all comes down to it, you just needed an excuse and you had one.  There’s things you want outta life.  To search for, to find.  Then go do it.  You don’t have to be cast away by the world to find your own.  You can say such things about my momma and her past making her up.  Well what about yours.  What’s yours gonna lead you to?  Why in the world are you still here?  Your bruise has long healed.  That bump on your head is barely a scar.  Live your life.”  Apart from the words Maura had given me, these had to be the greatest to enter my ears.  All I could do is smile in response.

—

            I found my soul.  And it was you.  At times my words and even my thoughts fail me.  But never you.  I may be running.  For once I’m running with someone.  Just as I promised you I would.