from home

He had to at least try to get a good night’s rest in. He kept waking up before he had to. It probably didn’t matter much to him however because he wasn’t entirely too interested in his plans for the day. Finally, the alarm clock went off, and after a few hits of the snooze button he was out of bed. He stood there blinking a few times as he took in the sunlight bit by bit, thinking to himself that the curtains did not do enough of a job keeping out the light. His hands were at his hips and he arched backwards making a bow of his body. He could hear the crack of the vertebrae. I need a new bed were his thoughts.

He walked into the bathroom and what seemed to be a single motion slipped out of his shorts, grabbed his toothbrush and turned on the shower. It was a loose fixture and by the time it steadied itself the water had reached a suitable temperature, a layer of condensation fixed itself upon the mirror, and he was sliding his tongue over his teeth inspecting the job he had just done.

He stepped into the shower and slid the curtain into place behind him. He adjusted the showerhead to its highest-pressure setting and moved his hands back and forth over his face. He felt the coarseness of his skin as a few days stubble had managed to break the surface. He squeezed just enough shampoo into his left palm and lathered it up. No need to rinse and repeat, just once was enough. He found the bar of soap and did his work with that as well. With one last rinsing he stood with his back facing the showerhead. The stream of water hit the top of his head and dripped slowly over his face. His mind wandered for a moment as he lost himself in the comfort of the warmth. Realizing his appointment wasn’t too far off he shook his head, twisted to the right and turned the knob counterclockwise ‘til it locked into place.

Toweling himself dry, as he never preferred the drip method, he walked to the mirror and with a stroke of his right hand cleared a spot in the condensation to see his reflection. He opened the door and let the cool air enter as the humidity escaped. It really wasn’t all that cool in the house. His parents did not believe in air conditioning, but he shared that belief. As he entered his bedroom he reached into a large duffel bag at the foot of his bed and pulled out a fresh pair of shorts. He had just recently graduated and did not have the time to unpack yet. He was actually hoping he wouldn’t completely have to. He walked back into the bathroom and by this time the mirror was clear of all impairment. He put his contacts into place, applied deodorant, took a multivitamin, and combed his hair with his fingers. He switched off the light and went into his bedroom yet again to find something to wear.

His shoes were the only part of it all that stood out, they gleamed. He could almost clearly make out his own face in the polished leather. Other than that he wore knit blue button down shirt, yellow tie, and a pair of dark brown corduroy pants. You’re not trying to wow anybody here, not yet anyway, is what he thought.

Looking at his desk he realized he carried a whole lot in his pockets. The left side contained his keys and handkerchief. The right a pen, lip balm, and the watch he never wore. He grabbed all of these along with his wallet. He looked over his room and asked himself if he was forgetting anything. Of course he wasn’t, he didn’t need to bring anything but himself.

As he walked down the stairs and through the foyer and into the kitchen he passed the family dog and gave him a gentle brushing on the head. No one else was home and the dog found someone to follow around for a moment. It became apparent to him that he had absolutely nothing to do so he decided to head on out. He walked back through the foyer and as he was about to exit, he turned around, told the dog to be good, which the dog paid no attention to. Then he turned the lock into place and closed the door behind him.

He walked up to the car spinning the key ring on his finger. It was a decade old but still looked good and drove great. As he sat down his right hand went for the ignition and his left found the seat belt. He turned on the headlights, even though it was midday, as it was his usual practice, and went searching for music to play. He hadn’t listened to the radio stations here since his freshman year in college and found them growing worse and worse to listen to as the years passed since. He put in something he could drive to.

Putting the car in gear and pulling the brake release he turned his shoulder to see if all was clear and was on his way. He watched the houses pass on both sides, noticing that they all looked similar, and were spaced entirely too evenly. It was definitely a planned development with a dead end. His street emptied out onto one larger than the one he lived on, and that onto a major road. He found his way to the interstate and eventually downtown. It dawned upon him that he was approaching the exit that everyone would be at lunch about now as the traffic thickened. He had left with plenty time to spare and was not worried about being late.

As he sat there, his car not moving, he looked out the window and noticed that everyone was sitting there with their windows up, a/c cranked, seemingly to age with every passing second that brought them closer to their death. His own mannerisms caught his attention as the car started to move and yet again he found himself sitting there alone, fingers of his right hand gently placed upon the wheel with this thumb playing the beat of the tune, his lips mouthing the words and his left elbow leaning onto the window opening. The traffic defined the lives of the people that lived there. He hated it, but he didn’t let it get to him. So long as he had his music he was good to go.

He took the exit he was supposed to take and made his way through the maze of city streets arriving at last to his destination. It was a restaurant that looked entirely too stylish for his tastes. But it wasn’t his choice to meet there so he did as they asked. Months before graduation he had filled out an application, and sent it out to this agency along with his resume, a few recommendations, and samples of his writing. He wanted to be a writer, mostly creative, but he would settle for what he could get at this point. One of the companies had looked upon all these and some high-ranking official took a liking to his work and asked if he’d meet for lunch. So here he was.

“Hello there Jack. So glad to see you could make it out today.”

“Hello Mr. Johnson, it’s good to see you too.” Those were the words he spoke, trying to escape the formality of meeting perhaps his future boss, and falling short. They had spoken before on the phone, and even then his calm casualness went. Now he found himself trying to make up for the fact his cuffs were folded twice over and the top button of his shirt was undone and the tie slightly loosened. “Had I known we would find ourselves in such atmosphere I’d have done a better job,” he told Johnson stroking his chin between his thumb and forefinger.

“Oh it’s no bother there at all Jack. Comfort. That’s what counts. Right?”

“I guess you’re right.” Still he was at unease.

“Shall we take our seats then, I’ve a table reserved for us two?”

“That sounds like a good idea sir.”

“No need for sir there Jack. Please, don’t be intimidated by me. I’m sure you’ll come to find that there is no need for it at all.”

“Well alright.” And now he found himself agreeing entirely too much with the man. They took to their seats.

“I hope you don’t mind sitting outside here Jack. It’s just lovely weather we’ve been having, I feel that a man needs to enjoy the sun and let himself breathe the air in.”

“I completely agree.” And he did.

The waiter came and took their drink orders. Johnson had ordered a mineral water, requested that it’d be lightly chilled only, and a lemon peel draped over the rim of the glass. Jack ordered a ginger ale. The waiter left them to their menus.

“The veal here is great. Feel free to order anything Jack, it’s all on us.”

“Well thank you, I think I’ll pass on the veal however, but thank you.” This was awkward for him. His parents had been more than generous with money. But here was this man, practically a stranger, who obviously was after something he had. What of, he had no idea. The waiter returned with their drinks and their orders were placed, two steaks, with sides of steamed asparagus. Jack actually couldn’t wait to eat. His stomach was turning, and for once it wasn’t his nerves, and he could still taste the multivitamin in his mouth. He took slight sips of his drink and let the carbonation settle things.

“I can’t wait to eat. And thank you again for all this, really. But I don’t understand Mr. Johnson. What is all of this for?” He was surprised that it came out so suddenly actually. He thought he had been doing a good job of keeping it to himself, but he knew the food would be a bit, and nothing else came to his mind. He thought after that last question he’d let Johnson do the talking.

“Well, the thing is Jack, some people down in the offices looked over your stuff. I’m sorry to say not so many of them reacted all too well to your college transcript and resume, and didn’t give it a second thought of hiring you. Now, most people can say, ‘This young man came from a fairly decent school, a pretty good upbringing, and achieved just above average with all that he had.’ These people don’t give you a second look because they think you only did just as well as you did cause of your background. They don’t question anything else at all. These same people rather would go after someone, who seemed to achieve better grades, went out and did more on his own, and that sort of thing, and stood out, simply based upon the fact that they came from a background that wasn’t all too great. Do you follow me Jack?”

“Yes, I think I do. But the thing is, my grades weren’t that great. My resume is really limited. I mean I lack the experience. It seems to me those type of people made the right decision on me.” He said to himself that he’d better stop talking. He didn’t want to change the man’s opinion here. No more talking. Let the man talk. He’s here to talk. Let him talk.

“See, that’s the thing Jack. Forget the credentials for just a moment. Forget the mold these people want you to fill. I went beyond all those things. I looked at your work, and I liked it a lot, I really did. All of it, from every aspect, I asked for more of it to go over. I’m not just talking your analytical skills here son. I mean all of it, the things you did in other classes, and not just the political based ones. You’ve got talent, I know that. I liked what I saw. It also got me thinking about all that I just told you. You strike me as an underachiever for one reason and one reason only. You’re not motivated.” He struck a cord with Jack on that one. “I mean look Jack, you came here, and not to put you down in any way, you’re a sharp looking young man, but anyone who wanted this enough would’ve shaved, put on a pair of slacks, and they would’ve started to eat veal.”

“Well I guess you’re partially right there sir.” He smirked as he said it, thinking he’s got me cornered in here, seems to know enough about me, but still, there’s been no offers made. However, the subject started to slip as the waiter arrived with their meals.

“Now what did I tell you about calling me sir? Here, lets let it all drop and enjoy our meal in peace.”

“Well alright.”

The rest of the meeting went relatively smoothly. Jack sat there appreciating his steak and Johnson kept his philosophy to himself. Jack was already full of questions about what exactly he was going to do with himself, and by the end of it all he had more. When their plates were taken away Johnson pulled out a folder from an attaché Jack hadn’t noticed before.

“Go on there. It’s all for you.”

“What is this?” was all Jack could muster up.

“Just take a look, read it over, think about it and take your time”

“Alright sir, but I don’t understand.”

It’s an offer Jack. I’m prepared to offer you a position. Really, take a look, then we’ll talk.”

So look he did. He couldn’t believe what he saw. Right there in front of him was a three-year contract to work right under Johnson. It was just under a six-figure salary. It included benefits, full health coverage, and a generous signing bonus. He was in awe. All of this couldn’t have been for him. Not with what he thought it was worth. “This all seems to be a bit much.”

“Not at all Jack. I think you’re perfect for this. You’ll be doing what you want to do. The incentives are there. I’m sure you’ll be great for us. I wouldn’t have made a personal visit myself. I’dve had someone from HR take you out, and either hand you a package or send it in the mail. I’m serious here Jack. I want you for this job. It’s yours for the taking. Take your time though. And realize what’s there on that last page. I worked in a clause for you especially. You can leave us anytime you want. We’ll give you a month’s salary too. You just have to let us know. I know it’s hard for someone like you to commit to something like this so by all means take your time. I’ll give you until the end of next month to let us know. Please Jack, consider it.”

“Oh I will Mr. Johnson, thank you. It just seems like so much. That’s all. I mean I had no idea.”

“Well I hope you’re pleased with it all son. We really should wrap this up now though. You just let me know what your decision is. I’m sure you’ll come to realize what’s best for you and let us know.”

“I will sir, thank you again.”

And with that Johnson left the scene after paying for the meals. Jack sat there still in awe reading over all the details. This was strange. Just out of college and already seeming to land a dream job. He could be set off and right away too. It just seemed so strange that it worked out this way. And then of course all the other questions came to light. There was much to be done and much to be considered. He still had the weight of his parents over him. That’s what was slowing him down.

The previous summer had seemed like it had happened long ago. All the changes he saw within himself in that one season were like no other he had ever experienced. That summer was spent completely alone for the most part. Occasionally he was among a friend or two, but what he remembered best about it were the long nights alone where he searched for sleep. In those sleepless nights he found himself.

The first month of it all was spent taking a history class to get ahead in school. It was time well spent as he got good marks and enjoyed what he was learning. After the class ended however was when it all came down upon him.

Unlike most of his friends who had returned home, finding jobs, building up their resumes and readying themselves for the real world he had decided to stay in his quiet college town and be with himself. It was amazing what he discovered. Of course it was all after he felt like he lost it all.

School was just something people his age did before moving onto the next step in life. Just a period of time before another aspect of society that was all a part of growing up was undertaken. He knew he wasn’t ready for it all. It scared him. He wasn’t ready to let go of this life. And in one year he knew he still most likely wouldn’t be. His parents had always been pushing him in directions he didn’t want to go. What he wanted to study was in contradiction of his father’s wishes. And all his mother could think about was one day finding him the perfect bride. It was all too much.

He felt as if the world that people made out for themselves was not meant for him. He was never going to be able to find his place in that. That along with falling far short of all his parent’s expectations of him. He even thought to himself that he had his friends, but that he was terribly lonely, something that would be no different if he spent the summer at home.

There was no greater purpose to his being. And that is what scared him into the lowest of the moments he had ever experienced. He didn’t know exactly how he came to realize what he did. That in itself scared him too. He thought to himself, if things didn’t turn around, if by the end of his time here in school, if he couldn’t make himself happy, all on his own, there at the age of twenty-one, it was over and done with. That was his realization.

The one thing keeping him around he thought, from coming to terms earlier in life, or even at his present stage, was that of his mother. It had been years since her father had passed away. But he remembered it all too well. Once they got news of it all there was just one thing he heard in his head. It was his mother crying. He could see how weak she was. He had never been able to handle other people’s emotions that well. It made himself feel even weaker that there was nothing he could do to change the way things were. He himself could not be the strength for anyone else. How could he possibly be? Taking himself from her was something he knew she could never handle. Although the burden she placed upon him at times seemed unbearable, she was not at fault, and shouldn’t be punished for his shortcomings. It was the fear of having the image of his weeping mother forever implanted in his head that kept him. That was it. And that frightened him too.

Then everything started to change. He didn’t know what it was. He didn’t start lying to himself so he could sleep at night. Everything just seemed different. It might’ve been he made more of an effort to get out of his apartment, even if it was to do nothing in particular. Everything started to change. Maybe it was a new found faith in god, or at least a stronger one, but something was different. And it was better. Maybe it was cause he finally put a timetable on things, even if it was his own life as he knew it, he knew he had to make the change in himself, and so he did. The days seemed brighter. The music he had always turned too sounded sweeter. He came to accept life for what it was. And what it was was great. It all seemed so simple too. But it really felt things were changing.

But then things changed again. It was a good thing he had been made stronger by his dealings alone, yet his faith was shaken. Three weeks into his final semester at school tragedy struck. Coming home late one night from one of many church gatherings his parents were in a car accident. An SUV ran a red light and plowed into the side of their four-door sedan. His father died on impact, his mother on the way to the hospital.

The relationship with his parents was never a strong one. He felt as if they never knew him. But the thing he knew of his parents was that no matter what they had between each other, his parents had given him life, and every opportunity to make something of it. At first he felt overwhelmed by it all. That he’d fall right back to where he was before, alone in the world and lacking faith. But surprisingly he felt somewhat relieved.

He hated admitting it, but this was true. The weight he carried from his first memories of them was gone. He knew from wherever they were they’d somehow come to find out what he was making of himself. Perhaps one day he’d meet them again. But for now, at last, it was his life and his life alone. The pressure seemed immense. But he embraced it. And for once in his life he felt he could act entirely under his own will.

A young couple sat in a dimly lit restaurant. The atmosphere was personal, but not extremely intimate. A stranger sitting in the distance, upon recollection, would have stated the two were in the midst of intense conversation, but not in a heated fashion. Occasionally slight sips of their drinks were taken. Often there was laughter. The scene itself was not at all out of the ordinary, but it seemed more pleasant than most.

As the time passed the drinks were downed and the words, “I think the time alone will be good for you,” were spoken. It was the female of the two. She got up from her seat, moved around to the other side of the table, and laid a gentle kiss on the other’s cheek. After that she was gone.

The man sat alone for a minute tracing the circles of condensation left on the finished wood. He tapped the table twice with the knuckles of his right hand, reached for his wallet, threw a few bills onto the table and was gone after.

“So what’s going on with the house?”

“Well, dad actually did a good job tying up loose ends. It’s like he knew this day would come or something. Most of the stuff has been cleared out of there, the state’s sending me a check in the mail. At least that’s what the guy on the phone said. Haven’t found a buyer yet though, so that’s where I’ll be. For a while anyway,” he said reassuringly.

“Well glad that stuff is taken care of. You made up your mind about the job yet?”

“Nah. I’m leaning to saying yes. I mean the signing bonus alone is enough to put down a payment on a place of my own and furnish it. And I know I can’t live there anymore. It’s too big. It just wouldn’t feel right.”

“Yeah, that’s understandable.”

“Yeah, so I mean financially it’s all good to go. It’s just I don’t know if I want to clamp down for three years. I mean you know me and how I am. But I guess it’s a way to settle for a bit, save up, then get a move on if that’s what I end up wanting to do.”

“You know what’s best.”

“Yeah, just not so sure if I know it yet though.”

“You will, you’ve got ‘til the end of June, right? I mean that’s plenty of time to think this out. You’ll know soon enough.”

“Most likely. Just got a lot on my mind.” And he did.

“As you should. So how exactly do you plan on deciding? I mean you’ve got the time to think.”

“Well, I haven’t a damn thing to do this week. So I was thinking I’d just get in the car and drive around the state for a bit. Spend some time in the mountains. Sleep under the stars. I mean the weather is perfect for it all.”

“That sounds like a great idea. What’s Liz think of it all?”

“She says the time alone will be good for me.”

“Yeah it seems it would. Get out of town for a few days. Just be with your thoughts. Sounds like a great way to go about it.”

“Yeah we’ll see how it goes. It’s just crazy this thing with Liz though. I mean, everything is going great. I’m young, but it’s crazy how before I was set on that mentality: all the good ones are taken, in head or in heart.”

“There you go again Jack. Getting all philosophical on me.”

“Well, I have been drinking.”

“Cheers to that.”

“Thanks Dave.” The clang of their longneck bottles resonated for a moment before the silence overcame them. They sat there smiling. Both thought it was good to be among a friend. And it was.

Liz was another matter altogether. He told himself this decision wouldn’t be about her. She told him that it shouldn’t be either. So he told her it wouldn’t be. He hated being a liar.

This scene was not his. He constantly felt he was too old for it. The few years of the college life had been more than enough. He had his friends. He had his memories. He was ready to move on. He’d be there in a few months he told himself. Either way, what could it hurt meeting some folk, letting loose for one night. He hadn’t done it in a while. He told himself it wasn’t the deaths that brought it on. This self-enclosed state of mind. This readiness to be himself completely and detach himself from the world until he was thrown into it. At least he didn’t think it was the deaths.

More likely than not, it wasn’t. Little by little he was learning to live in the moment. It was all about what he came to appreciate about life that previous summer. Yet there were times where those thoughts escaped him. Right here and now sometimes just wasn’t enough and the urgency to move on lingered.

“What could it hurt?”

“It couldn’t hurt. It wouldn’t hurt. I’m just not feeling it tonight that’s all.”

“You haven’t been feeling it for a while now. When are you going to get up off your sorry ass and do something? Life is here. Life is now. Go do it before you get caught up thinking it’s out there and you’ll find it one day. Even if that day is soon. The hell with that mentality. Go be there now.” Friends are always trying to bring you to their level of thought. Setting you up to live to standards they themselves fall far short of many a time over. That and the fact that society always looks down upon those that drink alone.

“Will, shut the hell up already man. I’m not in the mood.”

“Whatever. I mean it’s your loss. You say you don’t regret anything. So I’m trying to help you out. So you’re not to have any future regrets. I don’t want you to die old and lonely and be like, ‘Oh wow that night Will really wanted me to go out, I passed it up, and now look at me, it all could’ve changed that night.’” He was quite the motivator Will was.

“Alright fine.”

“Good, now shave that dirt off your face. You might not be trying to get anywhere tonight. But I swear to god people see me with this bearded kid and they think I’m the one who wants to live in a shack.” Jack didn’t have to say a word. His eyes did enough to tell Will off and have him be quiet for once. He shaved anyway. He found it funny that Will made it seem he was trying to get somewhere that night. Will never tried to get anywhere any night. Or at least not for that night right there anyway. He wasn’t that type. They were hard to find where they were. But really, Will was a gentleman. Class act all the way, funny too.

Jack decided to shave. He felt better for having done it. That was probably Will’s plan all along. He threw on his favorite pants: a pair of dark brown corduroys that really were more of a second skin than anything else. It was late March and the temperatures were already on the rise so he decided to put on a light jacket, zipping it up just below his neck.

He found himself with Will and some others in the apartment of a friend of a friend. Just as it usually went. He ventured out of the inner circle only to grab a drink, and when he found the conversation to be lacking he became what he normally did, a wallflower. It was as the walls would come tumbling down if he had not been there to support them. With one foot on the ground, the other following the angle of his bent knee against the wall, his right hand in his pocket, and the left holding a plastic cup he stood there admiring the scenery. The friends were within earshot. Still nothing worth listening or adding insight to. He thought to himself he might as well try and get loaded. It would at least help him sleep.

He downed the last half of his drink and found his way back to the file of people looking to do the same as himself. After meeting the need he found himself back among his friends. There were a few unfamiliar faces with them now. Everyone seemed to be lost in conversation. All but one of them. It was impossible. Anyone as attractive as she had to have something to say he said to himself. And so there was something to gain with nothing to lose. All brought on by the sight of a face. A face that stood alone with nothing to say.

“Hi, I’m Jack.”

“Hi, my name is Elizabeth, my friends call me Liz.” She said rather reluctantly, clinging onto her cup with both hands, holding it close to her chest.

“Well, what should I call you?”

“That all depends.”

“Really? On what?”

“Whether or not I want you to call me.”

“Well that makes sense. I just, you know, saw you standing here, out of the circle. Thought to myself maybe she could use a friend.”

“I don’t need any favors from a stranger.”

“Maybe I’m doing it for myself then?”

“And maybe you’ll just know me to be Elizabeth.”

“I’m only going to know you as much as you want.” She smiled at this. And so he did too.

“You can call me Liz, and how about you get me another drink, this one’s gone.”

“Well Liz, thank you, but I’m afraid my glass is still full, so I wont be getting another one for a bit.” At this her face became a look of astonishment. She must’ve been used to getting what she wanted he thought. It was lost quickly though as it turned into one of action.

“Excuse me,” she said, grabbing his cup from his hand. At first he was taken back by it. Then the astonishment was all his as she held out an empty glass. “Looks like we both need drinks now. I’ll come with you.”

An attempt had been made by his older sister to bring the family closer. Of course after this was done she herself decided to greater the distance between them all and moved out west. The attempt was the dog, and for the most part it worked. But now here he was recycling a gift. The neighbors were the ones taking care of him since the deaths. And now he found himself on their porch, half soaked from the falling rain, and the leash in his hands.

“I appreciate you watching over Bo all this time.” At the sound of his name the dog, who had been sitting there wet of stench, turned his head to the side realizing he was the matter at hand.

It’s no problem at all Jack. The girls have loved every moment of it.”

“I’m glad. That’s why, if it was all right with you of course, if you’d take him, he’d be the girls. I just can’t take care of him anymore. I think the girls would like it. I mean, I understand if you need to think about it or if you can’t at all. That’s fine, but he’s yours if you’ll have him.”

“That’s sweet of you Jack. I think it’s a wonderful idea.”

“So you’ll have him then?”

“Yes of course we will. The girls will love you forever for it.”

“Alright then, here you are, I’ll be back with his papers and toys and what food I’ve left of his.” She took the leash from him and Bo was already home, his tongue examining all areas of her hand, all as if no change of master had taken place. Jack turned back towards his place and before he stepped off the porch he turned his collar up and shortened his neck.

Soon enough the house would be completely empty. It was closer to that point now, and he felt cold. He found a bag and filled it with toys, a dish, and a small bag of food. He went through some drawers in search of the papers. Upon finding them he placed them in the bag as well and headed back next door.

“Well here’s the lot of it.”

“Thank you so much Jack, the girls are very happy.”

“Thank you Mrs. Boyle.” Although he hardly knew him cause he was always gone at school, he’d miss the dog.

He found himself back in his room staring at the mess of things he had yet to unpack. He figured he’d focus on the trip. A few clothes were stuffed into his duffel bag along with some toiletries. He wanted to be completely alone with his thoughts. He packed no books or even music. He wanted nothing to evoke any memory of things had or lost before, or even a reminder to a time of nothing at all. He took his wallet and emptied from it bills, his license, and a single credit card if need be and bound them together with a rubber band. He placed the wallet on his dresser but it still seemed full. It was, of movie stubs, pictures, receipts, a letter from Liz. Memories. Pieces of life. It is amazing what he carried in his pocket, let alone inside. They’d be there waiting his return. He knew however if he took them all with him it’d be a pleasant distraction, so they were not.

The car was next. He thought it would take some time to load it up, but it hadn’t. The duffel and sleeping bag sat in the backseat like two recently disciplined children on the way home from school. He had no idea how he’d go without music. It amused him how often the play selection reflected his state of emotions, or better yet when the music formed them. But he resisted the will to bring a shortened collection along. The rain hadn’t stopped so he decided he’d get off the topic and take a hot shower, have a shave as well, then head out.

The rain started just as he pulled into the driveway. He didn’t see the car parked alongside the curb. And as he walked up to the door, noticing the lights through the windows on each side, he remembered having turned them off. The door was unlocked and upon opening it the aroma of the rich, creamy cheese sauce that was heating on the stove took him over. Bo ran at him and jumped up, his mouth reaching for his hands.

“I got nothing puppy, calm down. Does he need to be taken out?”

“Oh no, I just did, actually just ran into Mrs. Boyle too.”

“Yeah I’ll be stopping by there later today. Anyway, how are you,” he said as he wrapped one arm around her.

“I’m fine. You know you could just give him to me. I’d love to have him around.”

“Well he is crazy about you. In fact he probably likes you better than me.”

“I do take care of him when you’re not around.” It was the truth. He had given Kate a key to the house after his parents passing. She was in and out to help him with things, Bo included.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” And he really didn’t. Kate was the closest of his friends. She was the only one among them all that had seen him cry, and under quite recent circumstances that was saying something. She was there making him an early dinner, pasta, her specialty. They sat at the table when it was ready and Kate tossed Bo a piece of bread.

“And I wonder why he’s fat and lazy.”

“Someone’s got to love him while you’re gone.” He just smiled and shook his head at her. Kate was one of those people he could run away with forever and be happy with. They were rare. The biggest problem of all of that would be taking her away from everything she wanted and needed in life. And while she’d be more than happy to come along, the calling of home would be too much to bear, and eventually she’d return.

“I don’t know if I’ll be gone the entire week. We’ll see.”

“Hopefully the weather will turn.”

“You know I’ve never minded the rain.”

“This is true.”

“I just don’t know how long it will take. Maybe it will take more than that. Or maybe I wont even know what I’m doing out there and come on back. We’ll see.”

“You always say that.”

“Well it’s how it’s going to be. Whatever I know, I don’t know it yet.”

“You’ll know soon enough and everything will work out how it’s supposed to.”

“Such a fatalist you are.”

“It’s not my fault I believe in destiny.” And it wasn’t.

“Yeah, but sometimes, it’s not destiny, it’s desperation.”

“There’s the Jack I know and love. The thinker.”

“And you the comedian.”

“You know it.” She asked him if he wanted any more pasta. He said no. Then went up to the counter and poured some alfredo sauce onto his plate.

“There’s more bread isn’t there?” She passed him the basket in response. He broke it off into small pieces, dipping it in the sauce, taking small bites, dipping it again, over and over until the plate was clean.

“If you like it so much I’ll give you the recipe.”

“And deprive myself of coming home to a women who has dinner on the table. I don’t think so.” Kate was more of a mother than a woman. He loved her. And it is good to love, so why deprive himself of that he thought. “Anyway are you staying here tonight or going home?” She lived cross-town with her parents. “I think I’ll be heading on out tonight so I should see Mrs. Boyle in a bit. It’s fine with me if you want to stay.”

“I think I’ll go home. This place is too empty without at least Bo to keep me company.”

“Well alright then. I’ll get the dishes.” They both cleared the table and Bo followed each step waiting for something to fall, his nose to the ground searching for the scent of crumbs. After everything was cleaned Kate grabbed her things and was ready to go. He followed her to the door and saw her walk to her car. She paused for a moment and looked up at him.

“Everything will be fine. It’ll all work out.” A positive light always.

He smiled with uncertainty, “We’ll see.”

He didn’t think he had ever felt so clean. He took the soap like sandpaper, but it felt good on his skin. His pores seemed to be breathing. And when he took the blade to his face, the skin felt loose, the hairs soft. It took fewer strokes than usual. He splashed his face and wiped what shaving cream was left around his neck and ears. The lemony mint smell stayed with him. He dressed in brushed cotton pants, the cuffs faded and frayed, an old red and green flannel shirt, with the sleeves rolled up as he usually did, and boots you couldn’t see the laces tied together because they tucked under the pants perfectly. With exception to his fresh shaven face, upon catching sight of his appearance anyone would have mistaken him for a woodsman of the northwest. It was summer, but the rain outside along with the cold emptiness of the house turned his temperament.

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror eyeing the job he’d done. He brushed his shirt with the back of his right hand. Then leaned into the mirror to see close into his eyes. He tried seeing his pupils grow larger, but all he saw in the dark brown circles was his own figure. He pulled back and sized himself up one last time. I’m ready he thought.

The clouds had cleared the roads and he was alone. The spring had been dry, and as he made his trip to the valley he hoped the passing front wouldn’t settle upon it for any longer than it already had making up for the lack. The time was short, but seemed to drag as the light of day faded, and his eyelids grew heavier. He imagined himself driving alone, on a desolate state road, caught in a storm, and falling asleep. That would add definition to the situation. He thought it’d be better if anything of the nature happened he’d be lucky, for no one else could possibly be hurt by his actions. He thought that there could be nothing he could do in life to gain the forgiveness if ever he did fall asleep behind the wheel and life other than his own was lost. There were benefits about being alone in the world. You couldn’t hurt anyone.

Finally he told himself he’d find the next hotel and that would be his home for the night. It was found, he checked in, and then searched for sleep. In this search he wasn’t as lucky. He went through the dresser in the room he had been given looking for reading material. It came as no surprise that the Gideon’s had been there, but upon recalling the line “Salvation lays within” from a favorite movie he decided against the scripture and put his faith in himself. It was lost shortly as he turned to television. He came across a channel and a man speaking rather passionately.

“The human species is the most advanced living organism on the world.” He thought to himself this might be interesting, and just enough so to put him to sleep. “The human species is the most advanced parasite on the world.” So maybe it wasn’t exactly a scientific program. “Since their introduction as a species the earth has not known a wrath so vengeful. With their massive brain and adaptability there is no end to their destruction. The worst sexually transmitted disease is that of reproduction. This forever mutating organism will be the end of life as we know it.” This scared him, not because he believed any of it, but because he couldn’t stop listening to it all, and it went on. “Human beings attach themselves to their host, the planet itself, and they suck the life from it, as any other parasitic creature does. One day it will all end, and when human beings kill the planet, they themselves will die.” Either this was some crazed ultra-conservative or left wing nut that somehow bought airtime. Altogether it was unsettling and he decided to turn it off.

His thoughts turned to Liz. It was natural. Since he had known her she was the first thing on his mind when he woke, and last as he feel asleep. He remembered her appearance. Some would call her skin pale or fair. But one gives the impression of lacking life, which she didn’t, and the other being untouched by its injustices, which she wasn’t. He couldn’t think of a way to put it other than a soft glow. Her lips were melon red. At times her features made her seem she would float away with the wind, and others as a rock withstanding the weathering of time. There was not a movement she made that to him seemed nothing less than elegant.

Then there were the walks under the stars and endless conversations. All moments shared came to him now. He could feel her fingers and her palm as he traced circles on it with his thumb thinking of just one of the nights they fell asleep arm in arm. He had never known such comfort. If ever there was a time in his life he wasn’t scared, it was her. Lying there in the darkness he held his hand out in front of his face. There was nothing to hold in this moment. All these memories were distracting him, as he knew they would. The attempts at keeping them away completely worthless. This time maybe he shouldn’t forget them. This time they were there to hold on to for a reason.

The following three days were spent driving. He zigzagged through the valley. On what would be his last night out he found a clearing just along a river bend and that is where he’d settle. He didn’t recall building a fire to be as difficult a task as he found it to be now, the damp wood being the most likely cause. He ventured into the water for a bit as night came. He could see the crescent moon in the shifting waters. The shape would come and go just as he swayed. It was a constant but in motion. When he went searching for sleep this night it came within minutes. In the brief moment before it was found he thought of the peace that came into his life with her. Always with her. He thought that ever so often you meet someone that makes you want to mean more, as if there’s a greater significance out there for all of us, and for the majority of us it lies in someone else.

The trip was not living up to its purpose, as the conclusion he had come upon was not the one he needed, so he decided to end it. The following day was spent driving home and he came to it just as night did.

“I missed you,” were the first words she said as her eyes found his and arms wrapped around him. He returned the gaze, but thought to himself is that the best that she can do.

“I missed you too.” And he did, so it wasn’t a simple returning of a favor. He kissed her forehead. Then lead her into the house with his arm around her waist. He had asked her to meet at his place. She was happy to hear it and wanted to, as she put it, celebrate his return. The topic of him had been avoided for most of the conversation. Instead he brushed around it by asking her what she had been doing with herself. It was genuine curiosity fueled by necessity. There was this doubt growing within him for the first time since he had known her. Doubt because of the uncertainty of her reaction to his decision, or lack thereof. Once she had exhausted herself she was bound to ask him of it. He was cool and reserved, but on the inside he was trembling. He knew he’d not hesitate in telling her what he thought, and what course of action was taken after that would be acceptable. Just for once with her he wasn’t sure and he hoped that the doubt would pass. It did.

“So how were your travels on the road, my dear Jack?” She smiled.

“Good. The scenery was good. The rain too.”

“Oh? And how were you?” She stressed the last word and raised her brow.

“I, I was good too.” He nodded twice as he said it.

“Did you find what you were looking for? I mean, did you accomplish what you wanted to?” She stood and walked to his chair. He turned it in her direction. She moved in close, rested her wrists on his shoulders as her hands found one another behind his head and folded. His hands did the same around her waist and drew her near.

“I’m not sure. Not yet. About the job, I just, I don’t know.” He shrugged.

“I see.” She was disappointed. All the while she looked down on him, her eyes had been with his, and now they were with the floor. There was a pause.

“I love you.” Their eyes met again. It was like the first time they had ever met. Hers smiled and his searched for something more. She hugged his head and pulled it to her. His arms were no longer slightly hanging there, but had found a firm grip around her. The words seemed to be enough. They were together that night like they had never been before. Acting as if the world would end with them. And they were the only ones that knew.

He woke the next morning and was alone. There was no sound of a falling stream of water in the shower. There was no smell of breakfast finding its way upstairs from the kitchen. There were no eyes to find. There was no one there to touch. Just two words. On the kitchen table, written in a folded piece of paper, in the blackest of ink. I’m sorry. They were like a drop of blood let in a glass of water. Sharp in form and color at first. Then mixing in with the background. Contaminating it nonetheless.

Kate was there helping him unpack. It was going slow as they were in deep thought about life and love and all the wonderful things that come with.

“I mean really, girls always do that?”

“Do what? And really, don’t dig yourself into a hole here.”

“Sell guys short. They’re always doing it. I sure as hell am a fool, but I’m not stupid. Don’t sell me short on not knowing what I do, or more importantly feel. They always seem to. They always have to discredit what you have to say. I can admit it when I’m wrong, but when I’m not wrong what is there to admit. There is so much bullshit that goes on between sexes, it’s worthless. I mean I love her. If she doesn’t see that for whatever reasons she doesn’t, then so be it.”

“You’re still mixed up by all of this aren’t you?”

“Of course. It’s not everyday you find someone worth falling in love with, and actually do.” He held up a plain silver finished spoon that he just pulled from the box of silverware. “Maybe this is what I’m supposed to do with my life.” Kate looked at him having no idea what he was talking about.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, sorry, was kind of talking to myself out loud. This spoon here,” he held it up for her to see. “I liked it a lot. Every time I’d come home from school I’d use that spoon. It was my favorite. Last time I came up, when mom and dad were still around I was looking for it. Dad said he didn’t like it. Mom said she had bought like a dozen of them before we moved here. Over the years they got lost and now we’ve only one left. So maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do with my life.”

“Search for a spoon?”

“Search for a spoon.” His statement was as much a question as was hers.

“I think you’re onto something there Jack. Is that the only thing you brought from home?”

“This and the television. Besides eating from that spoon the other great thing about being home was laying on the couch watching movies on that thing. It was like I had the entire theatre to myself. I couldn’t pass up on that.”

“Well I’m glad you held onto something.”

“Yeah, just wish I could let go of some others.”

“Oh?”

“I mean seriously, this spoon business. All right really it’s nothing to do with a spoon. I just lay there in bed at night thinking about all of it. Like everything that happened, it means absolutely nothing now. You can’t hold onto the past, cause it’s gone, but it’s like it was never there.”

“It was there Jack, you know it.” He did. “She was real.”

“She is real.”

He laid there trying to sleep, his thoughts drifting to one conclusion as usual. The wall behind his head had been painted a Christmas green. The other walls were white with frames symmetrically placed upon them. It was definitely a man’s apartment, but Kate had added a woman’s touch here and there. He didn’t mind the flowers. The living area was mostly black and white and they added life. He was never really lacking color, but they fit into it all. He forgot the apartment for a moment and thought to himself. We cannot love and ask to be loved in return. We can simply love. And love wholly. He thought he had.

He wasn’t completely settled yet. What was to become of this new place here? Home? Maybe. But most likely just another stop on the way.

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